Romans 3:19-20

Romans 3:19-20

Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God.

Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin.

(Isn't it crystal clear to you?)

Thanks. That's all I need. Whatever that you've done/not done in this week.

I just realise, it's really not easy for two people to love each other. To put it in economic terms, it's not easy to satisfy the double coincidence of wants. That's where the power struggle come about. How do you know how many sheep to give in exchange for a cow? So you negotiate. And there's always a winning end and a losing end, somehow. Yes it's still a middle ground, but it'll never be the ideal that you have in mind before the negotiation.

But you've already incurred some costs during the course of negotiation, be it opportunity costs or other miscellaneous costs. And the longer the negotiation time, the more costs you incurred. Yes those are sunk costs, but human nature does not allow you to totally neglect them. The longer you negotiate, the harder it is to pull out. And you'll be more willing to compromise on a middle ground, on which its distance from the start point is directly proportional to the duration of negotiation.

So when does the negotiation end? Well I dunno, I'm still negotiating. Maybe that's the whole point. I do find joy in it sometimes. And I'm glad there's somebody there willing to negotiate with me in the 1st place. It shows two things (1) there something in/from me that he wants (2) he's willing to compromise through the act of negotiation and come to a middle ground.

I guess a miracle just happens, we did manage to satisfy the double coincidence of wants.

When's the last time I'm really really happy? I think was the time when Kenny went back Hong Kong with me. That was really really happy.

Have you realised we were happier when we don't have so much? Like when we just started we didn't have much yet we were so happy? I know it's been five years and you'll probably say cos its been so long so you can't expect us to be as happy as we used to be. But you're not happy with me. I know. I must be a lousy gf. I'm not happy either. Cos you're not happy. Like I'm becoming your obligation.

I just wanna be your loving, supportive gf. I know I suck at it. And I know that's not what you want for a gf. I'm the least that you want. I was never even what you wanted. Pearlene and Sien Hui was what you wanted. I hate Pearlene. Seriously. She's the one person I hate so much. Cos she broke your heart, she took advantage of you when you were vulnerable, she wanted you back when you were not around anymore. I hate her. Yet you'll still treat her as your good friend. I just hate her to the bone. Not cos I'm jealous, cos she once hurt you so badly.

What about me? Am I as lousy as her? Or lousier? Probaly lousier. I just complained and complained and complained. I'm not what you want. Joy is what you want. I'm always the least you want.

I always wonder why am I holding on so tightly, when I seem to be the only one holding on to it? Cos I know God was the one that put us together. What were the chances of me meeting you at that bench at that night, talking to you and you telling me your problems, when we didn't even talk to each other for the past two years? What were the chances of me trying to help an almost stranger when I was having my exam as well? What were the chances of us meeting in Singpore in the 1st place? Jesus's love for us put us together. I was so overwhelmed by his grace that I felt that I had to pass it on to you. That's why I knew God put us together. If this love started from Him, He'll see us through.

And you once loved me so intensely that I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. But somwhere along the way, things start to fall apart. Probably my complaints, your short-tempered, our differences seeing things, or our priorities that are setting us further apart.

But 5 years, every single moment spent left a common memory bewteen us. It'll never leave us, at least it'll never leave me. Even if we broke up in the end, I'll still treasure those moments with you, those morning walks, late night walks to have supper, those squash games, endless movies, silly fights, those tears, those moments when we just want each other to be there, those kittens, those slamming of doors with tears and walking back to your room again.....and the list goes on.

Why am I writing as if I'm dying tomorrow? Cos I'm not happy. Cos you dun need me anymore. Ya I finally figure it out that you don't need me anymore. You won't feel lonely without me, you don't need my support when you're doing your experiments, you don't need me to the there to listen to your worries and complaints. I'm not part of your plan. I don't know what you're worried about, I don't know what is going through in your life, I don't know what you're planning to do, I don't know much about your life anymore.

It's really not about spending time together or not. We spent time today, we ended up fighting again. I dunno. We are less tolerant of each other. I just wish that we'll spend a day really happy and carefree. The hug and little kiss you gave me in HMV? I almost melted. Thanks.

I commit our relationship under God's grace. I am really losing grip....

God, please take this cup away from me. :(
I really don't wanna say "but it is Your will, not mine, that I'll follow"

:(

I reallly didn't know I love Kenny so much. I just wish that the feeling is mutual. The least I want is him treating me as an obligation. I worth much more than that and I don't need anyone's sympathy.